Independence and Identity

I really need to stop relying on my parents for things. It's getting to the point where I am asking for money when I have money in my pockets. I know my parents will buy me food and clothing, but that's no reason that I shouldn't buy a decent looking top for $1.75 from a thrift store because my mom would buy me the same top for $10 at Kohls or that I shouldn't buy walnuts when it's the only other ingredient I need to make delicious banana date scones. It just sucks because when I go to college, I don't want to pay for any of that shit. Don't want to pitch in for a single book. I just can't spend any of my money on something that I am unsure about. That top looked like another decent top in the world. Nothing special. But there is nothing special about anything I wear. I mean I don't really shoot for anything when I wear clothes. I want to. Everyone wants to have a certain style. They want to show off who they are. I want to attract outcasts by showing that I am different from everyone else. I want clothes that you can't buy. It's as if you can show your intelligence by what you wear, and obviously you can't.
It's like the Team Dresch song:

But then I just want a public place Where girls can meet
Each others stare Sometimes that;s what it takes just to know you're alive To feel
Yourself burning just from some girl's stare My that's a strange costume Slip your
Fingers under my belt Put up signs to make up who you are Send out signals
Telling who you are Transmit messages about who you are No matter who you are

Some people do want to look like everyone else. They just want to look normal. And that's not so bad. I look pretty normal, and I feel people confront me more and give me more of a chance than I did when I dressed like a goth. People still make fun of me for that, and I still don't know why. There is nothing wrong with the subculture. I just wanted to attract someone different because I felt different. It's hard to critisize a culture that you haven't experienced just because you don't understand the politics of it. Some things you are just attracted to. You just feel something. The gothic subculture kind of kept me sane by letting me know I wasn't insane, and there were people out there somewhere that would understand. I don't relate with the subculture anymore. I will totally make fun of it because I just don't feel it anymore. Just because I experienced it once doesn't mean I know what I am talking about.

Anyways I don't really identify with any subcultures. I kind of just identify with people. But I feel I need to have a certain style to prove my identity, but I shouldn't have to. I don't have to prove it to anyone.
It's like another part of that song...

when I found myself dancing alone in
My room I was writing in my journal, playing records When i felt my shoulders
Slide from side to side I found the bass in my hips Being alone brings courage and
Strength of mind Take off your shirt and watch TV Remember who you are, and
Make up who you are

Yeah that song just describes my life right now.

Or it could go the other way. I don't want to release my soul into my clothing. I already have enough feminine energy that it intimidates boys.

Anyways I don't know if I want to go to college because I don't know if I will use it. I mean I am not going to get a fancy job when my heart isn't into it just because my parents invested in it. I don't really have the desire to have enough money that I can rely on it. That's when your soul starts to fade, and you forget what's really important. I admit I have been feeling greedy lately. I really wanted to order these books online because I had money, and I know that's what I would want to buy with it. I mean I don't want to go through all this hard work of getting back if I don't get a reward. I mean the reward is what keeps me going. But I don't need those books. I have a perfectly fine library. I need to save my money for independence.