Sexual Exploration Skepticism

Lately I have been reading Macho Sluts by Patrick Califia, and I don't know what to thing. I know I have a little bit of yearning for the s/m scene, but I don't know how much. I don't know how much I want to get into it because I would rather not have sex rule my life, and I would rather it not be a part of my physical identity. I don't want my sexual tastes to determine who my partner is. It's kind of exciting to try out new things with my boyfriend. But I can't help but feel like a pervert being interested in these kind of things.

Following Feelings

Today I watched Momento with my boyfriend. It was awesome watching a movie. I haven't watched one in so long. It was nice watching something that didn't have to deal with any of the stuff I have been reading. Right now I am reading this book called Angry Women, and it's basically about women talking about the politics of everything, and I was happy that Momento had nothing to do with politics just emotions and human nature, and emotions and understanding people is just as important if not more than politics. I mean politics change. Situations change everything. Following your emotions are what's more important.

or


I decided that I am not going to write this blog to become famous but as if I was already famous. I mean I care more about what Mattilda Berstein Sycamore has to say more than what pictures he took that day. Which are cool too. I just feel one day I will do something important. I mean why not. One day strangers might be searching for my blog begging me to updating it. I mean anyone can be famous to someone on the internet.

Independence and Identity

I really need to stop relying on my parents for things. It's getting to the point where I am asking for money when I have money in my pockets. I know my parents will buy me food and clothing, but that's no reason that I shouldn't buy a decent looking top for $1.75 from a thrift store because my mom would buy me the same top for $10 at Kohls or that I shouldn't buy walnuts when it's the only other ingredient I need to make delicious banana date scones. It just sucks because when I go to college, I don't want to pay for any of that shit. Don't want to pitch in for a single book. I just can't spend any of my money on something that I am unsure about. That top looked like another decent top in the world. Nothing special. But there is nothing special about anything I wear. I mean I don't really shoot for anything when I wear clothes. I want to. Everyone wants to have a certain style. They want to show off who they are. I want to attract outcasts by showing that I am different from everyone else. I want clothes that you can't buy. It's as if you can show your intelligence by what you wear, and obviously you can't.
It's like the Team Dresch song:

But then I just want a public place Where girls can meet
Each others stare Sometimes that;s what it takes just to know you're alive To feel
Yourself burning just from some girl's stare My that's a strange costume Slip your
Fingers under my belt Put up signs to make up who you are Send out signals
Telling who you are Transmit messages about who you are No matter who you are

Some people do want to look like everyone else. They just want to look normal. And that's not so bad. I look pretty normal, and I feel people confront me more and give me more of a chance than I did when I dressed like a goth. People still make fun of me for that, and I still don't know why. There is nothing wrong with the subculture. I just wanted to attract someone different because I felt different. It's hard to critisize a culture that you haven't experienced just because you don't understand the politics of it. Some things you are just attracted to. You just feel something. The gothic subculture kind of kept me sane by letting me know I wasn't insane, and there were people out there somewhere that would understand. I don't relate with the subculture anymore. I will totally make fun of it because I just don't feel it anymore. Just because I experienced it once doesn't mean I know what I am talking about.

Anyways I don't really identify with any subcultures. I kind of just identify with people. But I feel I need to have a certain style to prove my identity, but I shouldn't have to. I don't have to prove it to anyone.
It's like another part of that song...

when I found myself dancing alone in
My room I was writing in my journal, playing records When i felt my shoulders
Slide from side to side I found the bass in my hips Being alone brings courage and
Strength of mind Take off your shirt and watch TV Remember who you are, and
Make up who you are

Yeah that song just describes my life right now.

Or it could go the other way. I don't want to release my soul into my clothing. I already have enough feminine energy that it intimidates boys.

Anyways I don't know if I want to go to college because I don't know if I will use it. I mean I am not going to get a fancy job when my heart isn't into it just because my parents invested in it. I don't really have the desire to have enough money that I can rely on it. That's when your soul starts to fade, and you forget what's really important. I admit I have been feeling greedy lately. I really wanted to order these books online because I had money, and I know that's what I would want to buy with it. I mean I don't want to go through all this hard work of getting back if I don't get a reward. I mean the reward is what keeps me going. But I don't need those books. I have a perfectly fine library. I need to save my money for independence.

Watercourse Foods Food Porn!

So Nate and I went to Watercourse Foods and had the best food ever! I usually despise restaurants. In fact my parents invited me to go to a restaurant with them today, but I couldn't bring myself to go because of all the awful memories of having nothing there at restaurants to eat and crying when I feel forced to eat the meal that accidently had milk or eggs in it. So I had a tofu pup instead. Anyways I had a lot of fun eating here with my Natey Baby. I suggest everyone should go. It's somewhere uptown Denver.


The almighty vegan raspberry milkshake!!!! I remember saying once that the one think I missed that I thought couldn't be made vegan was milkshakes. This was the first vegan milkshake I have ever had, and it absolutely blew my mind how good it was. Just know that it is really filling so order food accordingly.


Me enjoying the amazing milkshake!


Nate bringing all the boys to the yard with his sexy milkshake sucking skills.


Mmmmm crispy orange-ginger tofu!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was called the Macro Plate. It was so good and gingery! I devoured all of it except that weird black stuff.


Then I ate half of Nate's meal because he has an itty bitty stomach. Delicious! It was the BBQ tofu.