Garter Belts and Frilly Underwear!

So I think I am going to make this blog lean towards my secret loves: sex and fashion. How else am I going to be an exibitionist if my family reads my facebook? This Halloween I was so disapointed that I didn't dress up! I am way to obsessive about not buying entire constumes, and I am way to lazy to put together my own. So I am going to attempt to start making my costume now. I wanted to be Amanda Palmer from the Dresden Dolls, but I really wanted to do it right. I do think that her badass skirts are necessary.



I got the garter belt down as I found one at this amazing costume shop in Boulder as well as super frilly panties and cute tights! I think I am going to go through a tights phase because they are the sexiest most fun things in the world!

Sexual Exploration Skepticism

Lately I have been reading Macho Sluts by Patrick Califia, and I don't know what to thing. I know I have a little bit of yearning for the s/m scene, but I don't know how much. I don't know how much I want to get into it because I would rather not have sex rule my life, and I would rather it not be a part of my physical identity. I don't want my sexual tastes to determine who my partner is. It's kind of exciting to try out new things with my boyfriend. But I can't help but feel like a pervert being interested in these kind of things.

Following Feelings

Today I watched Momento with my boyfriend. It was awesome watching a movie. I haven't watched one in so long. It was nice watching something that didn't have to deal with any of the stuff I have been reading. Right now I am reading this book called Angry Women, and it's basically about women talking about the politics of everything, and I was happy that Momento had nothing to do with politics just emotions and human nature, and emotions and understanding people is just as important if not more than politics. I mean politics change. Situations change everything. Following your emotions are what's more important.

or


I decided that I am not going to write this blog to become famous but as if I was already famous. I mean I care more about what Mattilda Berstein Sycamore has to say more than what pictures he took that day. Which are cool too. I just feel one day I will do something important. I mean why not. One day strangers might be searching for my blog begging me to updating it. I mean anyone can be famous to someone on the internet.

Independence and Identity

I really need to stop relying on my parents for things. It's getting to the point where I am asking for money when I have money in my pockets. I know my parents will buy me food and clothing, but that's no reason that I shouldn't buy a decent looking top for $1.75 from a thrift store because my mom would buy me the same top for $10 at Kohls or that I shouldn't buy walnuts when it's the only other ingredient I need to make delicious banana date scones. It just sucks because when I go to college, I don't want to pay for any of that shit. Don't want to pitch in for a single book. I just can't spend any of my money on something that I am unsure about. That top looked like another decent top in the world. Nothing special. But there is nothing special about anything I wear. I mean I don't really shoot for anything when I wear clothes. I want to. Everyone wants to have a certain style. They want to show off who they are. I want to attract outcasts by showing that I am different from everyone else. I want clothes that you can't buy. It's as if you can show your intelligence by what you wear, and obviously you can't.
It's like the Team Dresch song:

But then I just want a public place Where girls can meet
Each others stare Sometimes that;s what it takes just to know you're alive To feel
Yourself burning just from some girl's stare My that's a strange costume Slip your
Fingers under my belt Put up signs to make up who you are Send out signals
Telling who you are Transmit messages about who you are No matter who you are

Some people do want to look like everyone else. They just want to look normal. And that's not so bad. I look pretty normal, and I feel people confront me more and give me more of a chance than I did when I dressed like a goth. People still make fun of me for that, and I still don't know why. There is nothing wrong with the subculture. I just wanted to attract someone different because I felt different. It's hard to critisize a culture that you haven't experienced just because you don't understand the politics of it. Some things you are just attracted to. You just feel something. The gothic subculture kind of kept me sane by letting me know I wasn't insane, and there were people out there somewhere that would understand. I don't relate with the subculture anymore. I will totally make fun of it because I just don't feel it anymore. Just because I experienced it once doesn't mean I know what I am talking about.

Anyways I don't really identify with any subcultures. I kind of just identify with people. But I feel I need to have a certain style to prove my identity, but I shouldn't have to. I don't have to prove it to anyone.
It's like another part of that song...

when I found myself dancing alone in
My room I was writing in my journal, playing records When i felt my shoulders
Slide from side to side I found the bass in my hips Being alone brings courage and
Strength of mind Take off your shirt and watch TV Remember who you are, and
Make up who you are

Yeah that song just describes my life right now.

Or it could go the other way. I don't want to release my soul into my clothing. I already have enough feminine energy that it intimidates boys.

Anyways I don't know if I want to go to college because I don't know if I will use it. I mean I am not going to get a fancy job when my heart isn't into it just because my parents invested in it. I don't really have the desire to have enough money that I can rely on it. That's when your soul starts to fade, and you forget what's really important. I admit I have been feeling greedy lately. I really wanted to order these books online because I had money, and I know that's what I would want to buy with it. I mean I don't want to go through all this hard work of getting back if I don't get a reward. I mean the reward is what keeps me going. But I don't need those books. I have a perfectly fine library. I need to save my money for independence.

Watercourse Foods Food Porn!

So Nate and I went to Watercourse Foods and had the best food ever! I usually despise restaurants. In fact my parents invited me to go to a restaurant with them today, but I couldn't bring myself to go because of all the awful memories of having nothing there at restaurants to eat and crying when I feel forced to eat the meal that accidently had milk or eggs in it. So I had a tofu pup instead. Anyways I had a lot of fun eating here with my Natey Baby. I suggest everyone should go. It's somewhere uptown Denver.


The almighty vegan raspberry milkshake!!!! I remember saying once that the one think I missed that I thought couldn't be made vegan was milkshakes. This was the first vegan milkshake I have ever had, and it absolutely blew my mind how good it was. Just know that it is really filling so order food accordingly.


Me enjoying the amazing milkshake!


Nate bringing all the boys to the yard with his sexy milkshake sucking skills.


Mmmmm crispy orange-ginger tofu!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was called the Macro Plate. It was so good and gingery! I devoured all of it except that weird black stuff.


Then I ate half of Nate's meal because he has an itty bitty stomach. Delicious! It was the BBQ tofu.

Reading Reading Reading

I just finished the book So Many Ways to Sleep Badly by Mattilda Berstein Sycamore, and it was one of those books that I didn't want to end. I don't know something about it just wanted me to curl up into his words. He writes in that way that he is your friend, and he is telling you his most intimate details of his life. Unfortunately he is way to cool to be one of my friends. I think one of my goals in life is to give him hug. He seems like he would be so huggable. Well now I can stalk him on blogspot! Mattilda's Blog

Isn't he adorable?

Right now I am reading Rose of No Man's Land written by Michelle Tea. And it is really depressing me. I just feel so much like the main character in the way that my life is going no where, and I am just wasting away in my bedroom. The shitty part is that the main character is only 14 while I am going on 18. And some girl that I totally idolize and adore is not just going to come up to me and decide to be my friend. Maybe I should get a job. At least I have my amazing boyfriend. That's all I can say to really anything these days.

Feminist Survey

I am trying to think up questions to ask women if I ever had a feminist conference. Or perhaps I could slip them into conversation. I mean if I was asking someone casually, I could get the kind of response I wanted out of them. I would change the questions and make them more specific. I might try to ask both genders because men face injustice too with gender roles. I kind of want to make a zine with my results.

These are some possible questions that I will most likely change. I will come up with more too.

1. During sex with your partner do you focus on your pleasure as well as your partner's? If not so much how can you work on that?

2. How do you view other women? For example do you ever view women negatively out of jealousy? If so how can you work on that?

3. Do you feel you have an adequate female community? Do you think it's necessary to have one? What are the benefits?

4. Do you ever feel you validify one gender's opinion over the other?

5. Do you ever feel limited by your gender? Have you faced any blatant sexism?

Any ideas from anyone? I would love to know. You can criticize the hell out of my questions if you want!

Bitter Cynicalness

I have been kind of avoiding political content in a way because I just know I don't have the energy to try to create change. I am trying to just live life day to day and find meaning in it really and to help someone out kind of seems unlikely to me. Lately I have been staying in reading thinking that tomorrow I will probably go out and do something. I just have no community outside my boyfriend, and I can't completely rely on my boyfriend.

I am a total organizer at heart, but I don't really know anyone who would come to my events. I really want to have a zine party in which people came together and made a zine together, but I don't know anyone who would really dig that. If it worked I could have themes that might stimulate discussion. I think it would be cool to just have themed discussions like feminism and cultural identity, but I know absolutely no one would dig that. I always want to talk about feminism with other girls, but most girls don't identify with feminists. They think they are unnecessary and radical. But most girls I know have a female community and don't talk to many boys except maybe their boyfriends.

I hate the weekends because then my parents are home and they watch every single move of mine. I don't want to leave because then I have to explain where I am going and sometimes I don't know and I might come back in half an hour or 5 hours. I am starting to become really bitter and cynical. I mean what do you expect sitting in and reading all day?

I miss living with Dani because even though sometimes it was annoying, I had someone to hang out with other than myself and we went out and did things. Sometimes she kind of makes me feel like shit though. She has an air of not really caring. So sometimes I feel like it's a chore of her to talk to me. Well anyways it enforced my idea that community living is the way to go.

One of my old friends is kind of almost trying to talk to me. It's almost as if she vainly just wants to be in my head rather than actually talking to me. That or she expects me to entertain her. I probably could if she gave me more than five seconds until she dismissed me. I mean I know if I just constantly told her how amazing she was, she would adore me for maybe a week. But been there. Done that. Fuck straight girls posing as bisexuals for attention.

Thoughts on Sexuality

So I was talking with my mom about my sexuality which was very awkward, but it made me start thinking about it. I didn't want to admit I was bi unless I really knew for sure and had a girlfriend I really liked. I mean I think girls are pretty, and I have girl crushes all the time, but that doesn't say anything about my sexuality. I don't fantasize about lesbian sex, but maybe that's just because I usually have to fantasize about experiences I have had. Lesbian sex doesn't revolt me in the least bit. I think it's pretty hot. I mean I don't go looking up lesbian porn, but I also don't go look up straight porn. Porn just doesn't get me off. But sometimes I will read about it or see it in a really romantic lesbian movie, and it's really cute. I don't think it's much different than straight sex. Just different parts. My boyfriend would have bigger boobs and a smaller penis and another opening. I mean no penis vagina action, but my boyfriend and I can have just as much fun playing with each other's bodies.

The only problem I could see with women would be having an emotional connection. I just don't tend to get very emotionally connected with my female friends. I wish I could, but I always feel distant from them. I don't really feel sexually attracted to them either, but that could be just a friend thing. But I can be sexually attracted to my male friends. My boyfriend was my friend for a couple years before we dated. Maybe it's the way my friends kind of put it out there that they are not attracted to me. I couldn't date them personality wise. I guess I just haven't found the right type of friends. I mean I read about cool girls that I could totally relate with, but I guess they are just too cool for me.

And because you have all been begging to see my boyfriend. I would be too! Here is my sexy boyfriend.

Food porn for Caitlyn. Mmmm I want to devour him!

Vegan Food Porn! Yay!

So lately I have been cooking like a fool, and it's really fun. Fuck friends I have Mrs. Cabbage and Mr. Carrot. There is nothing really like yummy food. The problem is it kind of keeps me staying at home, and I want to get out there. But fuck buying restaurant food.

Some food I made yesterday:


Spring Rolls from that Heavy Metal Vegan Cooking video from below.


Sweet and Sour Tempeh from The Vegan Table


Dulche sin Leche Cupcakes from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World


Beautiful!

Now I have to come up with my own awesome recipes!

Desperate for Good Food

I was so upset that I couldn't go to the Defiance, Ohio show that I allowed myself to indulge in the internet to soothe my tears. Namely vegan cooking shows. I feel really inspired to go on a cooking binge. I am so sick of noodles with olive oil. But my fridge is so filled with moldy food and expired vegetables, that it's really intimidating. I mean I intended on baking fancy cupcakes and fabulous vegetable dishes, but my fridge is so empty so I of coarse ended up with oily noodles. I ate noodles for breakfest, lunch, and dinner today. But I am going food shopping tomorrow so expect food porn! I am even willing to spend my own money on food again.

Ideas for Pride Fest Costumes

So I have been thinking all week about what I want to do for pride fest next year plotting ways to get random people to take my picture. I don't think I have the ovaries to dress up like a giant vagina, and I want to be original. I was thinking maybe making a spectacular tube like rainbow dress out of rainbow duct tape short in the front with longer ruffles in the back while wearing a garter belt connecting to rainbow tights. I have to make up for not going to prom somehow. Maybe I just want to wear a garter belt since Amanda Palmer rocks it so hard in the Dresden Dolls. Where the fuck do you find those? I don't really want to put myself to the challenge of making one. Maybe.



God it seems so easy for a guy to stand out. They just have to wear too short of shorts or a little make up, and they get looks. Sheesh my boyfriend constantly gets yelled at from cars for wearing tight jeans. Okay maybe they are more like death threats than compliments but still I bet he was getting more looks at pride fest. My extremely straight, practically homophobic friend constantly got hit on for wearing a kilt. Not fair!

New Haircut!

I am very excited about having bangs! I have had these "bangs" that were way too long to be considered bangs for the last year because I have always been afraid of them after the last time I butchered them. But I showed the lady a picture (out of a soft core porn book XD), and she made magic.

I just want to have a unique style. I look so normal. I want to be sincerely cute like the girls Nate and I are constantly checking out. Why would anyone want to give me a second glance? If they do, they are probably just frat boys that want to get laid. I guess I just want to be confronted by more people. I know it's so superficial, and the mediocrity of the summer is making me selfish and vain while I should be doing bigger and better things. But I just don't know what. Obviously my haircut which isn't even very unique isn't going to get more people to confront me, but at least I can play with it, and it gives me more self confidence to wear more unique clothing that I want to make.

God I can't believe I used to spend so much time taking pictures of myself to make myself feel better. I would much rather warp my image of myself simply seeing what I want in the mirror. No more emo shots for me! But I want to have pictures on my blog, even if only I read it. Sadly I am even more popular on facebook with my boring impersonal one sentence posts. At least my family reads that! Well at least I appreciate this!

Girl Crush at Pride Fest 2010

I instantly fell in love with this girl as soon as I noticed that she was indeed a girl. When I thought she was a boy, I dismissed her as simply a hipster and probably a gay one. The beauty of pride fest in the gender ambiguity of it all. Is that a feminine gay guy or a masculine lesbian? Hard to tell. What really made me look closer at her was her flared jeans and the way she walked. There was certainly a femininty about it. Then I noticed her height and her baby face. Awww a 12 year old boy going to play guitar at pride fest! How cute! Oh shit that's a girl! I think that was the moment I started salivating. I mean seriously she looked like a young Kaia in her Team Dresch days with her guitar held onto her by the hem of a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt with a bandana tied around her forehead. How could I not fall in love? The sad part is that I may have had a chance. I swear she kept glancing at me, and I swore it was not all in my head. I almost think she sat by me for a reason, and she was disapointed in me for not talking to her. I thought of so may conversation starters in my head like how I could ask for a cigarette and complement her guitar. I mean it's so easy to talk to someone with a fucking guitar! She probably brought it for that very reason. I need to work on my guitar playing so I can serenade girls at pride fest next year. I can't stop hating myself for not talking to her. It wouldn't leave my head until Nate arrived later that evening. Before Nate it was starting to ruin my pride fest. I couldn't find her again. All I could do was constantly keep looking.


Kaia from Team Dresch

I never really knew that I was into that type a girl. I always thought that if I dated a girl she would be really feminine, but I saw lots of feminine girls at pride fest, and none of them caught my interest. They looked too full of themselves. Like they expect you to impress them, and they didn't look worth impressing to me. The girl with the guitar looked like the stereotypical "emotional rocker" that girls fall for but even more hippie-ish for my taste. She seemed like the type of girl I could have a really adorable relationship with, and she would really care about me. Which maybe is a good thing I didn't get the nerve to talk to her because I already have that type of relationship with my boyfriend, and our open relationship is thought to be purely for sexual exploratation. I wouldn't want to do anything to ruin our amazing relationship.

Anyways as I was making up situations in my head of what might of happened as I layed in bed after the event, and I realized that she might have been promiscuous. I mean girls that look boys get lots of girls. I mean look at Shane from the L Word: everyone fell in love with her. I don't know who is in my league since I haven't had much experiance with more boyish looking lesbians. I am sure that girl could get anyone she wanted.