Searching for Good Music

I have become really picky with music lately. It seems most music annoys the shit out of me. I had to delete all my music, and now I listen to like 2 bands. I keep trying to find good German bands so I can practice my German skillz, but it has been impossible because I can barely find music I like in English. I seem to have extremely specific qualities for music:

1. Must have good beats- I used to despise electronic music, and now it's all I can listen to. And a lot of electronic music sounds awful to me.
2. Must have at least one female vocalist- absolute must! I can't stand male dominated bands. Music is so male dominated. It's hard to find good female artists.
3. Must be sex positive- I found I would rather listen to men completely degrading women and objectifying them than super needy, clingy, emotional guys who sing about relationships.
4. Must have attitude- I guess this is why I have been listening to rap so much. I love vain, conceited people who rap about how awesome they are.
5. Must have a unique style- I can't stand how much music sounds the same.
6. Cannot have that obnoxious poppy sound- you know overly produced with repetative, obnoxious that instantly get stuck in your head against your own will.
7. Must challenge the system- just a given.

I kind have been moving towards dupstep out of influence of my boyfriend. I kind of been resisting it because dupstep is so male dominated, but maybe if I find some good female dubstep artists, that will change my mind.

Current songs I am addicted to:




I just haven't been in a good place lately, and I need to have music to keep going.

Needs Change

So lately I have been rather dissatisfied with life. I have become really sick of simply getting high all the time and indulging in pleasure seeking tendancies. There has to be more to life than drugs and sex! I miss those times where I wanted to be an explorer of the world and I wanted to bring people together to try to help others. I miss dreaming about volunteering at Bleeting Hearts Sanctuary and about organizing anarchist feminist clubs. I miss punk though now I can't stand the sound. The stoner in me simply wants to hear good beats! I just want to find more beauty in life. I picked up a Slingshot Organizer at Left Hand Books today. I felt really misplaced in that store now that the little punk in me seemed to have completely vanished. But I was suprised to be inspired by that little book. There is so much passion in that book to incite change, and the passion in my life dwindles each day. I want to keep organizing and taking part in other organizations no matter how pointless and small they may seem.

Except mine is purple!

Blast from the past!

I just came across my blog from fucking middle school (!), and now I feel the need to self-indulge and reflect on those silly times….

What affected me the most was my psychological evaluation (one of those silly online personality tests :P). My results:

messy, depressed, introverted, feels invisible, does not make friends easily, nihilistic, reveals little about self, fragile, dark, bizarre, feels undesirable, dislikes leadership, reclusive, weird, irritable, frequently second guesses self, unassertive, unsympathetic, low self control, observer, worrying, phobic, suspicious, unproductive, avoidant, negative, bad at saving money, emotionally sensitive, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, submissive, daydreamer

I mean I initially couldn’t believe how much I have changed! Or perhaps now I am simply too proud to admit to any of these personality traits. I know when I was younger, I was proud of these results. I desperately wanted to prove how there was something wrong with me. Now I would hate to admit to my flaws. I have the tendency to get pissed whenever anyone refers to me as an introvert even though obviously I am! Not that there is anything wrong with being an introvert (extroverts tend to be annoying as fuck!), but I don’t want my worth to be sized up so easily. I would love for a personality test to describe me as simply amazing!

Unfortunately my past blog reminded me how little people give a fuck about your day or your personal thoughts because there is simply not enough time in the day! I thought I was hot shit (still do) and simply couldn't fathom why no one read my blog (exept a select few who wanted to hear their name mentioned). I still like to believe that one day someone will read my blog who doesn't simply just want to screw me (or fall in love for that matter-- even more meaningless to me at this point in time) even though these blogs tend to simply be a sad cry for friends.

I almost feel proud of myself for giving up on facebook because the internet is the worse place to find friends. It makes me feel too anomynous and worthless. I can't demand people's attention like I can do in real life. But I am enjoying the self indulgence. Here's some more self indulgence-- pictures from my middle school/early high school goth phase:



I was so brutal I ate flowers!


I was always a slut! Dahm! If only those boots didn't have leather in them! I would so still rock them!



depressed teenage-dom




I was seriously obsessed with this girl.


Fuck yeah!

Well you can only self indulge so much so konichiwa bitches!