Searching for Good Music

I have become really picky with music lately. It seems most music annoys the shit out of me. I had to delete all my music, and now I listen to like 2 bands. I keep trying to find good German bands so I can practice my German skillz, but it has been impossible because I can barely find music I like in English. I seem to have extremely specific qualities for music:

1. Must have good beats- I used to despise electronic music, and now it's all I can listen to. And a lot of electronic music sounds awful to me.
2. Must have at least one female vocalist- absolute must! I can't stand male dominated bands. Music is so male dominated. It's hard to find good female artists.
3. Must be sex positive- I found I would rather listen to men completely degrading women and objectifying them than super needy, clingy, emotional guys who sing about relationships.
4. Must have attitude- I guess this is why I have been listening to rap so much. I love vain, conceited people who rap about how awesome they are.
5. Must have a unique style- I can't stand how much music sounds the same.
6. Cannot have that obnoxious poppy sound- you know overly produced with repetative, obnoxious that instantly get stuck in your head against your own will.
7. Must challenge the system- just a given.

I kind have been moving towards dupstep out of influence of my boyfriend. I kind of been resisting it because dupstep is so male dominated, but maybe if I find some good female dubstep artists, that will change my mind.

Current songs I am addicted to:




I just haven't been in a good place lately, and I need to have music to keep going.

Needs Change

So lately I have been rather dissatisfied with life. I have become really sick of simply getting high all the time and indulging in pleasure seeking tendancies. There has to be more to life than drugs and sex! I miss those times where I wanted to be an explorer of the world and I wanted to bring people together to try to help others. I miss dreaming about volunteering at Bleeting Hearts Sanctuary and about organizing anarchist feminist clubs. I miss punk though now I can't stand the sound. The stoner in me simply wants to hear good beats! I just want to find more beauty in life. I picked up a Slingshot Organizer at Left Hand Books today. I felt really misplaced in that store now that the little punk in me seemed to have completely vanished. But I was suprised to be inspired by that little book. There is so much passion in that book to incite change, and the passion in my life dwindles each day. I want to keep organizing and taking part in other organizations no matter how pointless and small they may seem.

Except mine is purple!

Blast from the past!

I just came across my blog from fucking middle school (!), and now I feel the need to self-indulge and reflect on those silly times….

What affected me the most was my psychological evaluation (one of those silly online personality tests :P). My results:

messy, depressed, introverted, feels invisible, does not make friends easily, nihilistic, reveals little about self, fragile, dark, bizarre, feels undesirable, dislikes leadership, reclusive, weird, irritable, frequently second guesses self, unassertive, unsympathetic, low self control, observer, worrying, phobic, suspicious, unproductive, avoidant, negative, bad at saving money, emotionally sensitive, does not like to stand out, dislikes large parties, submissive, daydreamer

I mean I initially couldn’t believe how much I have changed! Or perhaps now I am simply too proud to admit to any of these personality traits. I know when I was younger, I was proud of these results. I desperately wanted to prove how there was something wrong with me. Now I would hate to admit to my flaws. I have the tendency to get pissed whenever anyone refers to me as an introvert even though obviously I am! Not that there is anything wrong with being an introvert (extroverts tend to be annoying as fuck!), but I don’t want my worth to be sized up so easily. I would love for a personality test to describe me as simply amazing!

Unfortunately my past blog reminded me how little people give a fuck about your day or your personal thoughts because there is simply not enough time in the day! I thought I was hot shit (still do) and simply couldn't fathom why no one read my blog (exept a select few who wanted to hear their name mentioned). I still like to believe that one day someone will read my blog who doesn't simply just want to screw me (or fall in love for that matter-- even more meaningless to me at this point in time) even though these blogs tend to simply be a sad cry for friends.

I almost feel proud of myself for giving up on facebook because the internet is the worse place to find friends. It makes me feel too anomynous and worthless. I can't demand people's attention like I can do in real life. But I am enjoying the self indulgence. Here's some more self indulgence-- pictures from my middle school/early high school goth phase:



I was so brutal I ate flowers!


I was always a slut! Dahm! If only those boots didn't have leather in them! I would so still rock them!



depressed teenage-dom




I was seriously obsessed with this girl.


Fuck yeah!

Well you can only self indulge so much so konichiwa bitches!

Garter Belts and Frilly Underwear!

So I think I am going to make this blog lean towards my secret loves: sex and fashion. How else am I going to be an exibitionist if my family reads my facebook? This Halloween I was so disapointed that I didn't dress up! I am way to obsessive about not buying entire constumes, and I am way to lazy to put together my own. So I am going to attempt to start making my costume now. I wanted to be Amanda Palmer from the Dresden Dolls, but I really wanted to do it right. I do think that her badass skirts are necessary.



I got the garter belt down as I found one at this amazing costume shop in Boulder as well as super frilly panties and cute tights! I think I am going to go through a tights phase because they are the sexiest most fun things in the world!

Sexual Exploration Skepticism

Lately I have been reading Macho Sluts by Patrick Califia, and I don't know what to thing. I know I have a little bit of yearning for the s/m scene, but I don't know how much. I don't know how much I want to get into it because I would rather not have sex rule my life, and I would rather it not be a part of my physical identity. I don't want my sexual tastes to determine who my partner is. It's kind of exciting to try out new things with my boyfriend. But I can't help but feel like a pervert being interested in these kind of things.

Following Feelings

Today I watched Momento with my boyfriend. It was awesome watching a movie. I haven't watched one in so long. It was nice watching something that didn't have to deal with any of the stuff I have been reading. Right now I am reading this book called Angry Women, and it's basically about women talking about the politics of everything, and I was happy that Momento had nothing to do with politics just emotions and human nature, and emotions and understanding people is just as important if not more than politics. I mean politics change. Situations change everything. Following your emotions are what's more important.

or


I decided that I am not going to write this blog to become famous but as if I was already famous. I mean I care more about what Mattilda Berstein Sycamore has to say more than what pictures he took that day. Which are cool too. I just feel one day I will do something important. I mean why not. One day strangers might be searching for my blog begging me to updating it. I mean anyone can be famous to someone on the internet.

Independence and Identity

I really need to stop relying on my parents for things. It's getting to the point where I am asking for money when I have money in my pockets. I know my parents will buy me food and clothing, but that's no reason that I shouldn't buy a decent looking top for $1.75 from a thrift store because my mom would buy me the same top for $10 at Kohls or that I shouldn't buy walnuts when it's the only other ingredient I need to make delicious banana date scones. It just sucks because when I go to college, I don't want to pay for any of that shit. Don't want to pitch in for a single book. I just can't spend any of my money on something that I am unsure about. That top looked like another decent top in the world. Nothing special. But there is nothing special about anything I wear. I mean I don't really shoot for anything when I wear clothes. I want to. Everyone wants to have a certain style. They want to show off who they are. I want to attract outcasts by showing that I am different from everyone else. I want clothes that you can't buy. It's as if you can show your intelligence by what you wear, and obviously you can't.
It's like the Team Dresch song:

But then I just want a public place Where girls can meet
Each others stare Sometimes that;s what it takes just to know you're alive To feel
Yourself burning just from some girl's stare My that's a strange costume Slip your
Fingers under my belt Put up signs to make up who you are Send out signals
Telling who you are Transmit messages about who you are No matter who you are

Some people do want to look like everyone else. They just want to look normal. And that's not so bad. I look pretty normal, and I feel people confront me more and give me more of a chance than I did when I dressed like a goth. People still make fun of me for that, and I still don't know why. There is nothing wrong with the subculture. I just wanted to attract someone different because I felt different. It's hard to critisize a culture that you haven't experienced just because you don't understand the politics of it. Some things you are just attracted to. You just feel something. The gothic subculture kind of kept me sane by letting me know I wasn't insane, and there were people out there somewhere that would understand. I don't relate with the subculture anymore. I will totally make fun of it because I just don't feel it anymore. Just because I experienced it once doesn't mean I know what I am talking about.

Anyways I don't really identify with any subcultures. I kind of just identify with people. But I feel I need to have a certain style to prove my identity, but I shouldn't have to. I don't have to prove it to anyone.
It's like another part of that song...

when I found myself dancing alone in
My room I was writing in my journal, playing records When i felt my shoulders
Slide from side to side I found the bass in my hips Being alone brings courage and
Strength of mind Take off your shirt and watch TV Remember who you are, and
Make up who you are

Yeah that song just describes my life right now.

Or it could go the other way. I don't want to release my soul into my clothing. I already have enough feminine energy that it intimidates boys.

Anyways I don't know if I want to go to college because I don't know if I will use it. I mean I am not going to get a fancy job when my heart isn't into it just because my parents invested in it. I don't really have the desire to have enough money that I can rely on it. That's when your soul starts to fade, and you forget what's really important. I admit I have been feeling greedy lately. I really wanted to order these books online because I had money, and I know that's what I would want to buy with it. I mean I don't want to go through all this hard work of getting back if I don't get a reward. I mean the reward is what keeps me going. But I don't need those books. I have a perfectly fine library. I need to save my money for independence.