Bitter Cynicalness

I have been kind of avoiding political content in a way because I just know I don't have the energy to try to create change. I am trying to just live life day to day and find meaning in it really and to help someone out kind of seems unlikely to me. Lately I have been staying in reading thinking that tomorrow I will probably go out and do something. I just have no community outside my boyfriend, and I can't completely rely on my boyfriend.

I am a total organizer at heart, but I don't really know anyone who would come to my events. I really want to have a zine party in which people came together and made a zine together, but I don't know anyone who would really dig that. If it worked I could have themes that might stimulate discussion. I think it would be cool to just have themed discussions like feminism and cultural identity, but I know absolutely no one would dig that. I always want to talk about feminism with other girls, but most girls don't identify with feminists. They think they are unnecessary and radical. But most girls I know have a female community and don't talk to many boys except maybe their boyfriends.

I hate the weekends because then my parents are home and they watch every single move of mine. I don't want to leave because then I have to explain where I am going and sometimes I don't know and I might come back in half an hour or 5 hours. I am starting to become really bitter and cynical. I mean what do you expect sitting in and reading all day?

I miss living with Dani because even though sometimes it was annoying, I had someone to hang out with other than myself and we went out and did things. Sometimes she kind of makes me feel like shit though. She has an air of not really caring. So sometimes I feel like it's a chore of her to talk to me. Well anyways it enforced my idea that community living is the way to go.

One of my old friends is kind of almost trying to talk to me. It's almost as if she vainly just wants to be in my head rather than actually talking to me. That or she expects me to entertain her. I probably could if she gave me more than five seconds until she dismissed me. I mean I know if I just constantly told her how amazing she was, she would adore me for maybe a week. But been there. Done that. Fuck straight girls posing as bisexuals for attention.

Thoughts on Sexuality

So I was talking with my mom about my sexuality which was very awkward, but it made me start thinking about it. I didn't want to admit I was bi unless I really knew for sure and had a girlfriend I really liked. I mean I think girls are pretty, and I have girl crushes all the time, but that doesn't say anything about my sexuality. I don't fantasize about lesbian sex, but maybe that's just because I usually have to fantasize about experiences I have had. Lesbian sex doesn't revolt me in the least bit. I think it's pretty hot. I mean I don't go looking up lesbian porn, but I also don't go look up straight porn. Porn just doesn't get me off. But sometimes I will read about it or see it in a really romantic lesbian movie, and it's really cute. I don't think it's much different than straight sex. Just different parts. My boyfriend would have bigger boobs and a smaller penis and another opening. I mean no penis vagina action, but my boyfriend and I can have just as much fun playing with each other's bodies.

The only problem I could see with women would be having an emotional connection. I just don't tend to get very emotionally connected with my female friends. I wish I could, but I always feel distant from them. I don't really feel sexually attracted to them either, but that could be just a friend thing. But I can be sexually attracted to my male friends. My boyfriend was my friend for a couple years before we dated. Maybe it's the way my friends kind of put it out there that they are not attracted to me. I couldn't date them personality wise. I guess I just haven't found the right type of friends. I mean I read about cool girls that I could totally relate with, but I guess they are just too cool for me.

And because you have all been begging to see my boyfriend. I would be too! Here is my sexy boyfriend.

Food porn for Caitlyn. Mmmm I want to devour him!