Bitter Cynicalness

I have been kind of avoiding political content in a way because I just know I don't have the energy to try to create change. I am trying to just live life day to day and find meaning in it really and to help someone out kind of seems unlikely to me. Lately I have been staying in reading thinking that tomorrow I will probably go out and do something. I just have no community outside my boyfriend, and I can't completely rely on my boyfriend.

I am a total organizer at heart, but I don't really know anyone who would come to my events. I really want to have a zine party in which people came together and made a zine together, but I don't know anyone who would really dig that. If it worked I could have themes that might stimulate discussion. I think it would be cool to just have themed discussions like feminism and cultural identity, but I know absolutely no one would dig that. I always want to talk about feminism with other girls, but most girls don't identify with feminists. They think they are unnecessary and radical. But most girls I know have a female community and don't talk to many boys except maybe their boyfriends.

I hate the weekends because then my parents are home and they watch every single move of mine. I don't want to leave because then I have to explain where I am going and sometimes I don't know and I might come back in half an hour or 5 hours. I am starting to become really bitter and cynical. I mean what do you expect sitting in and reading all day?

I miss living with Dani because even though sometimes it was annoying, I had someone to hang out with other than myself and we went out and did things. Sometimes she kind of makes me feel like shit though. She has an air of not really caring. So sometimes I feel like it's a chore of her to talk to me. Well anyways it enforced my idea that community living is the way to go.

One of my old friends is kind of almost trying to talk to me. It's almost as if she vainly just wants to be in my head rather than actually talking to me. That or she expects me to entertain her. I probably could if she gave me more than five seconds until she dismissed me. I mean I know if I just constantly told her how amazing she was, she would adore me for maybe a week. But been there. Done that. Fuck straight girls posing as bisexuals for attention.